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bombombobo
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Name: Winnie
Birthday: 2/1/1991
Gender: Female
Interests: taebin
Expertise: pissing people off with math terms, getting on people's nerve with my english skills, and talking scientific while knowing what im talking about
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  lxlaziangurllxl
Member Since:
3/1/2004
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| I met him again the other day and since then, it has been driving me crazy. I keep thinking about him just as i did before last school year was over and just as the winter last year and the thanksgiving before that.. and so on... Every single time i convince myself to just let it go and let it be, god seems to bring him back to my face reminding me that he still exists and that i should be thinking about him. it is not even his fault that i think about him so much, but rather the work of life by god who just seems to enjoy toying with my mind as god watches from above. Is this some kind of sick joke?
I have been going around this same problem in circles and circles for four years now. every time i decide that it is the time to walk away from this circle, some magnetic pull from the center of the circle just pulls me right back on track. here i am thinking about him once again. during june, i kept thinking about him because my mom just decided to ask about him. then i began to think about him again and i was dying to talk to him.. he didn't respond in any way that i tried to contact him.. i wonder if it ever got to him or he just decided to ignore all the messages. but that was good.. because soon, i forgot about him.. but it had to be that one unfortunate day when i met him again at the bus station. of all places... why there? imagine if the bus came early.. or if the train came late.. or i decided to shop for a little longer, then i would have missed him.. and from that moment on, i kept thinking about him for the entire summer...
when school started, i kept telling myself that i would put him down and just finish and get my high school diploma.. then i would go onto college and meet new guys.. but it had to be another unfortunate day where i met him again.. and of all times, i had to meet him there.. imagine if his train came a little later.. or if i decided to yet again shop longer.. then i wouldn't have seen him....
but really. i miss him.. i miss the way that we used to be.. the times when there was no border line between us when we would just go all out to have fun.. the times when the obvious weren't so obvious and i wasn't a female nor was he a male.. when he was not an adult and i was not a child.. when we would find the best times in the simplest things and we would have the most fun at the simplest places and times. I miss being soaked by the rain together when we share an umbrella and the times when i would just look up at him seeing him there with me. I miss the time when i would sleep on the train leaning on his shoulder when i would wake up and in a blurred vision, i would see him there.. and i would fall back asleep oblivious to the fact that we were on the train nor did i care which stop we were at because i knew i was safe as long as he was there... i miss how we would never get lost because he was so street smart that he would know how to get anywhere at anytime.
the moment i met him, i knew he was not too book smart.. and i would debate whether or not it is true that i really like him... but as time passes.. i realized that hes everything that im not.. and hes everything i need to complete my life.. but i have been around this same problem so many times that i just hope that when the day comes that i lose him.. that there will be another guy out there that completes my life like he can.. 
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| i've been very lost in the whole college process. Last year, I was so prepared to go to Stony Brook that I actually want to give up Columbia. Maybe it was because I was scared of expecting too much of myself so I'd rather expect less. I remember in junior high school, I expected so much of myself and I thought I would be able to make it into Stuyvesant and I was sure that I would be able to get into Brooklyn Tech. In the end, I got sick during the exam but I still went to take it and now here I am. I think things happen for a reason but it left me crying for a whole afternoon. During that summer, I still gave up Bronx Science because I believed it was pointless. I don't know how things might have been if only I scored another ten points higher and ended up in Brooklyn Tech or if i insisted on attending that summer course provided by Bronx Science. I don't think I ever really regretted not getting into those schools but now I'm just scared that I might fall back down again. I have to admit though, my perfect gpa wasn't that difficult to obtain here in Murrow... if only I tried a little harder and got an even higher average.. perhaps 97... and become the top 10 people... then I would be very happy..
at the same time, i feel like i have lost a chunk of my teenage years. all along, i have been working hard and studying hard.. true that thats how im supposed to be.. but really, im so tired of it.. then looking ahead, theres such a long way of studying and working ahead. my head hurts from that :[ what have i gotten throughout these years besides a chunk of money that is unnecessary and will affect my financial aid. same thing to my mom.. she has been working so much that she is just a bit above low income.. and here i am stranded.. i hear all my friends telling me dont worry because financial aid will cover a lot of the tuition for college.. yeah well unfortunately.. i dont have the honor to receive any financial aid :/ I dont even know if that is good or bad -.- you know in the end, we don't get that much money after all the taxes.
gosh im so confused...
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| oh wow. senior year already?! I feel so old but at the same time so young. I realized no one is really here anymore except for my lovely ZiQi.  i just had a bbq yesterday (isn't that all they do? bbq for labor day? i began to wonder why everyone has a party FOR labor day but rarely does my family have a party ON labor day..) So i just sat there thinking.. how i thought about bringing some guy home for my parents when i am 18. Well soon enough im turning 18, but mom. no guy. i actually think shes happier that way cause the longer im single. the longer i will be around her.. thats all they want right? selfish reasons. gosh they raised me so i could take care of them.. but thats okay, thats what i was planning to do anyway.
I have been planning very hard for my future plans... but the thought of the college essays scare me half to death. You know that feeling that you plan everything out.. but then the school doesnt accept you and then BAM your future just seems to shatter into pieces? I have a feeling that might happen to me once again. I hated how my parents didnt really care about my grades all along but then now its college time and all of a sudden my mom has such high expectations of me.. its kind of scary, but come to think of it, all these years, she has already spared me of that horror... so to look on the bright side? I guess i can just say thats okay. Besides, I don't think its completely impossible for me to score another 300 points on that SAT. I'm so confident now.. but too much confidence might make you fall back harder.. I don't want to get too arrogant.
Damn, school is starting tomorrow.. for some reason, im not too thrilled about going back to school and seeing all those faces again. Plus the fact that all the seniors are gone.. thats like half my friends from hs!! T.T I have a feeling that a lot of drama will be taking place this year.. let me just grab a stool and take the front row seat. im interested to watch but not to be part of it. =]
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